8 years of insulin pump and a journey of gratitude

I remember  the day I got on the trial for my insulin pump like it was yesterday. The date was 5th November 2016, and I was two months into my recovery from my pancreatitis treatment (read about it here). I was very nervous to try it on. It was all so new to me. I had only known tablets to control my sugar levels, and then the insulin pen. But this new device was daunting, and looking back now, I can see why.

When I got onto the pump, I had no idea the complications that would need to be dealt with. Even now sometimes, I dread it. I used to hate that I have to rely on something external, and that there is no cure. Which, in parts is true. This is lifelong, there is no cure, and even if there is, it might not be accessible enough. It’s taken a lot of tears, a lot of mental work, and an insane amount of conscious gratuitous thoughts that made me think of my pump (and diabetes) as an ally, and not an enemy.

I am not going to lie, it is a lot of work. For those who have the good fortune of not having to experience something so life altering, so life consuming, trust me, it’s something you don’t ever want to know. The changes that come as a whiplash, the harsh truths constant spit in your face, and the fact that, you can’t complain. You have to just take it, and somehow be thankful that you are suffering. This thinking is bad. It is, but gratitude, as I have learnt, is not for the suffering. It shouldn’t be. It doesn’t have to be. We all go through things that change us, and maybe some more than others. And regardless of what your journey has been so far, I’m sure everyone has been told to be grateful.

I never understood it. Honestly, there are times, when I still don’t. I think as humans, it is quite a skill we acquire. To be grateful is a very conscious act, as fulfilling it is, is very much a purposeful thing. And it takes time. It takes effort, and it's not easy. I am still new to it, still new to being wholeheartedly grateful. And I've learned that, it is also very liberating. Finding something to be thankful for in these eight years, has brought me a calm, I didn’t know I could ever achieve. And with it came another beautiful sequence of finally forgiving myself. I’m still far from where I want to be with forgiveness, and acceptance, but I cannot ignore the time and effort it took to get here.

I have been in this journey with diabetes, both types, for ten years now. And as my pump’s eighth anniversary comes closer, I am going to take a moment to thank my body, and my pump. A thank you to my body for staying strong when I couldn’t muster any, for doing its best no matter what I threw at it, and for always loving me even when I hated it. A thank you to my pump for keeping me alive, and for making this journey a little easier.

If you made it to the end of this post, a thank you to you for all your support, and stay strong.